More Cross? Yes please.

Internet lothario SexyJared12 is ready to rock. The cool waters of sailing excite him and drive him to a state of euphoria that can best be expressed through his own words:

sexyjared12 (1 month ago)
i luv dis song thanx to mi
music teacher mrs. Russell she's awesome ,. i luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
dis song. sailingggggggggggggggggggggggg g takes me away to where i've always heard it could be.

SexyJared12 goes on to say a lot of things, not the least of which is recounting themurder of his english teacher Ms. Jenkins, because "gramer iz for loozers". Ahh functional illiterates, they're like the retarded kids you're allowed to make fun of, and get into heaven!

Hedge Fund < Weed

In the hyper-aggressive world of hedge-fund management, one man has risen above the crop. His accomplishments include turning a 1000% profit in one year, predicting the sub-prime mess, and writing the greatest goodbye letter of all time:

I was in this game for the money. The low hanging fruit, i.e. idiots whose parents paid for prep school, Yale, and then the Harvard MBA, was there for the taking. These people who were (often) truly not worthy of the education they received (or supposedly received) rose to the top of companies such as AIG, Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers and all levels of our government. All of this behavior supporting the Aristocracy, only ended up making it easier for me to find people stupid enough to take the other side of my trades. God bless America

Trashing the Ivy League for their intelligence and their attitude? Go on...

I am content with my rewards. Moreover, I will let others try to amass nine, ten or eleven figure net worths. Meanwhile, their lives suck.

And what, Mr. Lahde, will you do with your time?

Marijuana. It gets you high, it makes you laugh, it does not produce a hangover. Unlike alcohol, it does not result in bar fights or wife beating. So, why is this innocuous plant illegal? Is it a gateway
drug? No, that would be alcohol, which is so heavily advertised in this country. My only conclusion as to why it is illegal, is that Corporate America, which owns Congress, would rather sell you Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax and other additive drugs, than allow you to grow a plant in your home without some of the profits going into their coffers.

Is this guy in need of a nephew? I'm taking on new uncles, and he sounds like he could use somebody to fight trust fund students at no additional charge.

Your Complimentary Christopher Cross YouTube Comment

We're still alive here at the Egg, and thankfully so are the legions of lonely Christopher Cross fans flocking to his videos in order to find solace in an unjust world. Today we find ellegy, who proves that demasculating yourself in public is one part self reflection, one part awful metaphor.

ellegy
This song makes me think of Sheila. I'll never be the same. I sank
our sailboat in pain.

Luckily, ellegy provided me with other metaphors that just didn't have the emotional reach the the final product provided:

• I eroded her sand dunes and the foundation collapsed due to geological factors beyond my control
• I murdered our dolphin in a fishing net made for tuna
• I paddled our dingy but the oar broke and rowing with one oar is exhausting
• I shut the valve on our scuba tank of emotions.

Today in White Trash News

Last Known Photograph

The world of gun control received a huge kick in the pants yesterday as an 8 year old boy shot himself in the head while firing an Uzi. Ho. Lee. Shit:

"...an 8-year-old boy at a gun fair aimed an Uzi at a pumpkin
and pulled the trigger as his dad reached for a camera. It was his first time shooting a fully automatic machine gun...He lost control and fatally shot himself in the head."

The recoil of an automatic handgun designed for close quarters combat was too much for a third grader? Color me surprised. I'm not a parent, but I'm 100% sure my top priorities would be in the vicinity of:

1. Don't forget to feed the child
2. Don't forget to cloth the child
3. Don't let the child fire a handheld Israeli submachine gun.
   

Sadly, the last thing that probably went through this kids head was "I hope I get to eat the pumpkin seeds" or maybe "Cursive is hard". Because he's 8, you see.

Your Complimentary Christopher Cross YouTube Comment

There are a few constants in life: Death, Taxes, and the fact that everyone remembers where they were when they heard Christopher Cross' "Sailing" cascade into their eardrums like audible honey.

Christopher Cross' music still gives boring white people a boner to this very day. So, in an effort to spare you from wanting to dump acid into your eardrums, I've taken it upon myself to bring you the best quotes (daily!) from the lonely, lonely people who love his music. Behold, for the first time, the inaugural Christopher Cross Whistful YouTube Comment:

btspake30
This is my favorite song. Yes, I am a sucker for slow love songs. Somehow it makes you forget your troubles and reflect on your loved ones. This is my favorite version.

Fortunately for us, it's the only version.

THIS IS A TEST

Does it work?

Swayze says yes!